{Fii, 18/7/24}

So not feeling too great this morning.
I love my wife and (forgive if too much information, I am feeling delicate and vulnerable), I wanted to get close, to hold her, to stroke her, and I started with her feet and toes, taking time to move up to her calf’s,……….. but then got pushed away.
She doesn’t want me; she says she can’t be intimate with me. I feel rejected.
I have felt a little left out before, over the years, babies demanding attention, children wanting to play, elderly parents needing care. I get all of that, it’s part of life, but we made time. As I child I got the attention from my parents, and as an older person, I will want my children and grandchildren to be around and care for us, so I do understand that sometimes there isn’t the time or enough energy to devote to one’s partner.
But I never felt like this.

I don’t want to talk. There are a million things going round in my head, what to do, what to say.
She says I know the reason.
I want to say I’ll stop, but I know I can’t, I have tried so many times over 50+ years.
Yes, I could throw away or sell my beautiful clothes, but I know that eventually I will feel empty. The desire, no need to dress will becoming all-consuming and I won’t be able to think or concentrate on anything else. I feel like I am losing the battle to stay sane.
And now I feel sick.

I don’t know if I will post this. I think I will as I know it helps sometimes to tell someone. Someone like you lovely people, who have struggled, or maybe still are struggling like me.
I know I’m not alone, but right at this moment, it feels like I am.
Don’t worry, I’m not planning to do anything stupid,
Love you all, thank you for being there,
Fiii xxx