Women are always saying that their husband's don't listen to anything that they say.

I'm proud to say that I've never heard my wife say that at all.

A man went to doctor & said 'Help, I've been bitten by a wolf!'

Doctor asked 'where'?

The man replied 'no, just a normal wolf!'

First Rule Of Rick Astley Club.

You Know The Rules and so do I.

Did you know singer Olly Murs has a sister called Polly? She's a chemical engineer.

ME: "I'd like to buy a muff for my wife."

ASSISTANT: "What fur?"

ME: "To keep her hands warm."

Tried to get store credit at the ASDA returns desk for my wife yesterday and they let me swap her for a 6ft Xmas tree. 

Been struggling to wean myself off my addiction to Christmas leftovers gradually. Think I'm just going to have to go cold turkey

I'm not taking my kids out in my time machine again.

All I heard was "Are we nearly then yet?"...

Tried to change my google password to “milky tea”… apparently it’s not strong enough

Was trying to think of a Christmas pun but thought I haven’t got the gift

Given up chocolate for New year.

No problem so far.

That word is no longer in my vocadbury